NANAY
An Accolade
By: Bads Encarnacion
July 22, 2005
9:30 PM
…I am looking at my wristwatch and read 8:00 PM. Today would seem a very joyful night for me. Familiar faces are surrounding me, dancing, conversing and having their drinks. The music is loud; it’s keeping the cheerfulness in the air. The food is prepared on the table; it appeared that those were my favorites. And I was sitting at the far end of this Victorian triple-seater sofa; on my right hand is a glass of my favorite wine. My left arm is rested on my lap. I kept staring and staring at my wristwatch. My mind slowly wandered and began to remember significant parts of my life. I closed my eyes. Vividly the past played at my sight…
August 28, 1983. Sunday 6:00 in the morning… I was still in deep slumber below a double-decked bed frame, while my sister Jennifer at the top still awfully sound asleep to boot. I thought I dreamt someone enter our room, and faintly felt this person sat beside me on my bed. A blinding shadow is now blocking my face from the pale nightlight. I felt a soft and gentle hand brush my hair, caressing my head like the touch of an angel. Suddenly, I felt that affectionate and loving kiss on my forehead. A whisper has awakened me, uttering the words… “Happy Birthday Jon-Jon… you’re six years old now…” I opened my eyes with delight, to relish in rousing beside my “Nanay.”
It’s my birthday today; I am 6 years old now! Excited and eager to find out what’s in store for me in my grand day. Especially cheery, to see the first person at the start of the morning is the face of my mother. Though it seems my mum is as jovial as I am today, I vaguely discerned that elated yet poignant gaze. It was a happy but concerned look. After a minute or two of stares, I happily and animatedly asked her “what are we preparing today? And oh, do I have a present already? Oh, it must be under the blankets!” As I was rummaging under and around the blanket and finding only my bed sheets, my eyes were again focused to my mum’s face. I, Having that jolly feeling and big smile still, but my mum’s gaze have lost its cheerfulness… it’s as if she’s trying to remain in that cheerful state but the look of pity can’t help but linger. Until she tried to utter words, but you can notice that it pains her. She said in a faint smile; “I’m sorry anak but we don’t have enough money right now, I’m afraid we cannot celebrate your birthday today.” Swiftly the brightness on my face has turned to gloom. I attempted to ask why but becoming aware of my mother’s eyes slowly evident with tears, I was kept still in hush. Slowly sadness has filled my face. My mother looked as if powerless and can’t do anything but hold me in her arms. And then silence befell us. Tears are slowly falling from my eyes, while my head is buried on her arms. I could feel she wanted to try to explain. To let my innocent mind understand my family’s situation, but instead she just said “Nanay needs to go to work now anak...” I was still teary eyed and could hear nothing but sniffs from my nose. She hugged me again but now it was a bit stronger than the first. She bid me farewell and gave that goodbye kiss. My mother closed the door with sorrow in her heart. I heard her come out of the house. I was left in my bed and did not know what to think about.
It was 10:00 in the morning and I was sitting on the floor. I am in front of the TV and have been staring at it the whole morning. Watching morning cartoons while my siblings were outside playing with the neighbors’ kids. I heard keys clinking outside trying to open the main door. Then suddenly a familiar face has entered the house. Much to my surprise it was Nanay who opened the door. I was still sitting still and did not spoke a word while looking at her, wondering why she is back so soon. Then she mentioned very merrily, “Let’s get you into some nice clothes because you and I are going out.” Her enthusiasm was so contagious that it affected me to be as excited as her immediately. She picked the clothes for me and helped me put them on. She told me “Anak, do you know that Jollibee opened up a few weeks ago?” My eyes widened and a big smile had swiftly crammed my face. “How would you like to go there?” she asked. The bliss I’ve experienced early this morning had returned so fast. I was totally surprised, and answered by bobbing my head up and down. My Nanay apparently was able to borrow money from a friend to help her with today. After dressing up, Nanay and I went out, rode a jeep and straight to Jollibee. The restaurant was startlingly packed. It was a new restaurant, and its Baguio’s first taste of this famous restaurant, especially popular with kids my age. I feared of not being able to enter through the crowd, and not be able to have a table for my mother and I. I felt the pull of my mother’s hand, heaving her body and squeezing through the crowd while I was holding so tight following her path. After some tough searching and waiting for a table to be freed. She managed to find a small table just right for the both of us. She instructed me to sit still and not let anyone take our seats. I worriedly obliged. I was uncomfortably waiting for Nanay to get back and scared to be lost in the crowd, but the feeling that I was in Jollibee made my uncertainties go away. Then she finally came, I was again wearing that big smile when I caught a glimpse of my Nanay coming out from the crowd. She was holding a tray full of things. I can see that she is having a hard time not to tilt the tray so that the food won’t fall. The crowd was making the way a challenge but she still managed to go through them. At last she is standing in front of our table. She ordered chicken, some burgers and fries. She Put it on the table and sat in front of me. I hurriedly grabbed a bite at the fried chicken and the French fries. I thought it was the best fries I ever tasted. While in my glee of eating the best food I’ve ever tasted in my life, Nanay can’t help but put a satisfied smile. Her smile broke a giggle and I laughed along with my mouth stuffed with chicken. She was happy to see me pleased for the food that she ordered. I was eating like I have been hungry all my life. I almost gorged all the food in the table, and then she suddenly went through her bag. She brought out a small box and then placed it on the table. My mother seized my hands and wiped its grubbiness. She handed me a long rectangular box, and helped me open it. My eyes turned rounder than usual and can’t help but cry out the word “Yehey!!” It was an “Astroboy” wristwatch. He was my favorite cartoon and having him on my wrist was I thought the finest thing a boy could ever have. My Nanay helped me to put it on my right arm, and uttered the words: “Happy Birthday Anak!” …It was the best birthday I could ever have. I was sure I would remember this moment forever…
… In a state of distress while down on my knees with a plinth that supported them. I was intently glaring at a huge wooden cross with a life-sized carving of Jesus Christ. My mind is jaded while I stare in this statuesque figure. Struggling with an irresolute thinking, I was having a hard time trying to articulate the agony in my heart. Resentment and plea for mercy is running inside of me. After an hours’ time, I would not be able to muster a complete prayer. There I was in silence… Tears are now breaking from my eyes.. I can always prevent a cry but this gush of tears was uncontrollable. Then finally the sobs broke the peace of the chapel. The pain inside of me is overwhelming; I could not help but cry out the ache. Still uncertain of what to say to the lord, I just managed to speak the words “Please do not take her. Please do not take her. Please do not take her…”
It’s December 13, 1994. 11:30 in the morning. I am sixteen years old now… Christmas is nearing, this would become the most unforgettable Christmas of my life.
I am standing at a hallway; it seems to be a very busy but depressing and painstaking place. Much of the people here are wearing a sad face. A lady 10 feet away from me is crying and delirious with what seem to be an unaccepted fact for her, a man is hugging him and appeared to be holding on a very loud cry. While on the other side, another man is sitting on a bench, looking very intently at the floor. Unaffected of what is happening around him. I can’t stand to be in this place. It’s full of misery, full of agony. But these people would not matter to me now; this place is the least of my priorities now. I have a more important matter to attend to…
In front of me is a 2 door-room. The doors were locked and there are strict policies for letting people in. I knocked a couple of times… A girl with a white gown opened the door from behind. She seems to have seen a familiar face when she opened the door. The nurse recognized me immediately. Wearing that pitiful smile on her face, she directed me to go in immediately. The room was white and clean, positioned with four beds. There is a man rested on the first bed just a few steps away from the door. The man appeared to be in his seventies and was oddly sick. While the 2nd bed was not occupied, another man on the 3rd bed is sleeping with some sort of mask on his face. It appears that it was an oxygen mask, and the man was having trouble in breathing from the way I see it. While it seems to be a safe place and that absolute care is given, the stench of the room would haunt me forever. It was the “Intensive Care Unit” of the Saint Louis Sacred Heart Hospital. And there was my mother peacefully sleeping on the fourth bed beside the window…
I closely sat beside her and caressed her hair. In an instant it woke her. She tried to open her eyes but immediately closed them again. She had that happy smile and murmured, “Hi Anak.” I replied back and gave her that loving kiss in the forehead. It was 10 years ago when I remembered having that affectionate kiss, and now I have the chance to return it to her. “Nay its time for lunch!” I smilingly uttered. I gently pulled up the hospital bed to let her sit, and prepare her to eat. Suddenly I noticed that she is still closing her eyes. I asked her what’s wrong, and she mentioned “Anak I can’t fully open my eyes, because when I do I get dizzy and my view is spinning.” It appears my Mother wasn’t really asleep when I arrived but needed to close her eyes to not worsen how she feels. It was a heartbreaking experience for me again to know this fact. Just yesterday she can look straight to my face and see how her eyes can express her emotions without even speaking a word to say. She was better yesterday. And now it seems she’s not getting well enough. More so it’s hard to understand that it has become worse. However, I couldn’t let my mother see me sad with her condition. Not even see me cry in front of her. I’d like to make her happy and take care of her while she is in this state. I couldn’t think of anything to say but “That’s okay! Let’s get you something to eat so you’d feel better!” So I told her. My mother smiled and obligingly followed my lead while I was giving and putting the “lugaw” in her mouth. After a few bite, my mother told me “it’s enough.” She didn’t have the appetite to eat because her sense of taste deteriorated as well. But I was persistent and mentioned that she needed to eat more, for her to feel better fast. I was overly willing to give her more. But she can’t take them anymore. And so I put down the bowl I was holding on the table. Grabbed a napkin and wiped my mother’s mouth. I gave her some water and then asked if she wanted some more. She refused to take more water and motioned that she’s fine. I asked her if she wants to go back to rest, but instead she just asked me some questions which would give an impression that it is important for her to know. She held my hand and asked how I am doing, and how my Ate and Kuyas and Tatay are taking her situation.
I was taken aback and had difficulty to answer that question in an instant. My mind remained blank for a moment, and thought of how best to respond to her. I couldn’t tell her the truth, how devastating this is for us. I could not tell her how affected we are. That it is exam week already and all of us cannot focus right now. The desolation that we feel inside our home. A grieving home which could not be denied in each one of us. The restlessness that keeps us in our most miserable moments. Of me being aware that my father is weary and is close to breakdown. Each one of my siblings trying to get by and are fighting their own woes… It has been 3 weeks already since my Mum was brought to this hospital. The longest month of my family. But I could not tell her all this. I refuse to add up any pain and suffering she is going through right now. I want to make things better for her. I have to make it seem like everything is all right. That we are all waiting for her to go back home and be with her again. And how we miss her a lot. For this reason, I told her that everything is fine and we are all doing okay. That she keeps fighting for this illness and to be healthy again so she could go back to the comforts of our home… She responded with a faint smile and with teary eyes. Still holding my hand, she directed me towards her to give that tender hug. I motioned towards her and responded with a strong but sweet hug. After a moment of that, I gave her another fond kiss in the forehead.
Then there it was, the “request” from her that I am bound to fulfill for the rest of my life. While holding her hands and she facing me with tears, she voiced; “Anak Mahal na mahal ka ng Nanay. When nanay is gone, I’d like you to still graduate from college, because anak that will be the only thing I can leave you with. Please promise me whatever happens you will not let your education suffer. That is the only way for you to have a better life. Please promise me this even if I am not here. I want to see the day you graduate but I’m sorry if I won’t be there Anak.” Tears are flowing in her eyes but with a very sweet smile. I was left stunned and cannot utter a word immediately. I refused the thought of losing her. Denied that she will leave us. I always thought that my college graduation will be my greatest gift to her. But what will be its importance if she will not be there to witness it. Who will be my motivation to get high grades? To whom will I show my accomplishments in my studies? I felt weak… But I still assured her that that’s not going to happen. She will survive this and she will get well. Or so I thought, it seemed I was reassuring myself.
I had the courage to say my optimism to her. That she will get better. We will leave this hospital and go back in our home. Everything will go back to the way it used to be. She will still caress my hair and I’d sleep on her lap. She will cook my favorite tinola and sinigang; bring home tocino and gorge it with my brothers while my sister is left with a few. She will go with me to shop for new shoes and clothes before Christmas. She will still watch her sons’ basketball game. Do laundry and clean the house with her. Water the plants that we grew and observe them bloom. We will watch our favorite TV programs. I will accompany her watch Sharon Cuneta movies. We will dance and sing during Saturdays. We will have Sunday picnics… She will greet me Happy Birthday, and give that kiss in the forehead. She will witness my accomplishments. She will be there for my graduation day…
My reply was returned with a kiss. She sighed and seems tired. I needed to return to my next class, and so I thought of putting her off to sleep before leaving the room. She seemed to be resting now, and I didn’t want to wake her anymore when I leave. I inaudibly left her side and went to the door. At the doorway, I looked back. My mum tilted her head towards me and tried looking at my way but she can’t open her eyes. Her face, eyes closed was at the direction of the door now, having a very faint smile. I was momentarily standing and holding the door ajar. Looking at her face still, until the nurse instructed me that we needed to close the door now. It was hurting me to leave my mum. The ache inside of me has left me standing from the door. I ran back towards her, gave her that one last embrace and kissed her goodbye. I whispered, “I’ll be back Nay, Mahal na Mahal po Kita…”
…Graduation day came. It was a wonderful feeling to have accomplished my goal as a student. Most especially proud and in high spirits that I got a distinguished appreciation for the thesis I have completed. Though confronted with enormous challenges during my student life, I was able to pull it off. I can’t wait to tell my Nanay that we are successful. Show her that everything has paid off. For her to be proud to know that her son got one of the highest achievements for the most important trial in being an IT student, our thesis. Tell her to celebrate with me now that it’s over at last. I thought I’d bring her flowers to celebrate, but most importantly present her my diploma to prove that I am ready to face another new life…
Today my batch mates will march at the school’s graduation venue, together with their families and the whole lot of them to celebrate. Indeed, a very joyful moment for all of us. They rented togas and bought swanky clothes for this special event. Even went to the salon to fix their selves up. During this hour each of our names are probably being called already. They might be surprised when they call out my name and I wouldn’t be there to go to the stage. I’ve decided not to join them. I thought I would rather celebrate this event with the person whom I made a “promise” to accomplish this feat. I begged the school to allow me this. To handover my diploma so I could show it to my mother. The school was sympathetic enough to agree with my request.
I was sitting in a white platform; on the right hand I held the flowers I bought and on the left is my rolled-up diploma. I was surrounded by wild grasses and sunflowers that still bloomed during this time but most of it dried up already. It usually is during this time of the year. They’ve always kept me company during these times. It was a huge mountain; piled and surrounded by white platforms. You can see small crosses, and statues of holies and angels. I’ve gotten used to this place already. Its steep walkways and the gates that you have to pass through. Most people would not go to this place alone. A lot of stories have been told with the horrors that happen to this place. But I never felt or see any of the scary things that they talk about. I frequent this place whenever I feel like going here to visit a special person, especially during the 1st of November.
I was sitting in front of my Nanay’s grave. Four years have passed and until now I still can’t believe that she’s underneath it.
I laid down the flowers on top of her grave. This bittersweet moment could only make me weep and smile at the same time. I opened up my diploma and literally showing it towards her. I told her excitedly “See Nay? My name is on it!” I started talking like she was alive at my side. I was speaking aloud and told her stories about my defense for the thesis. How mean and cynical the panel of professors are, and how some of the government employees were pessimistic on the system that we’ve developed. I especially told her about this lady who doesn’t understand what we are talking about and how it’s making her look stupid. She was mocking our defense and became furious already because it seems her comments are ridiculous. I even told her as well that I needed to work hard again at McDonald’s. I needed to extend my shifts from 10:00 in the morning up to 8:00PM so I could come up with the Finals’ tuition fee. But that doesn’t matter anymore, everything is done! I’ve passed!!! I cheerfully elaborated my happiness and went on and on…
After some time, my enthusiasm has reached its halt. I do not have anything left to tell her anymore. There was silence in the graveyard again. The wind is blowing. The roses’ petals were dancing with the wind. It was a very cool breeze. The wind touches my face with that calming feel. I was appreciating its cooling effect, but then it is slowly making me cold. Sadness is slowly filling up my heart… I unhurriedly rolled up the paper in my hand. Held it close to my heart. I began to gaze at the flowers. I kept staring and have been silent for awhile now. Suddenly, there was this one thing I wanted to say but couldn’t express them. It keeps repeating in my mind. I desired and thought; “I wish you were here… I wish you were… I wish you were…”
…I opened my eyes… My eyes focused again on my watch. I am looking at my wristwatch and it now read 8:15 PM. It’s August 28, 2004 today. I’m amazed at this new watch of mine. This watch is entirely silver and is shining admirably. Though it has small scratches already, it glimmers elegantly. It has some thingamajigs in it which until now I can’t seem to understand what it is for. Anyway, it does add to the aesthetics of the watch that makes it look grander. Can’t help but be happy having it especially knowing that I bought it at a bargain price. It always makes me feel good whenever I have a new watch. I have this fascination with wristwatches now. The vanity of collecting wristwatches and not be satisfied with one, has always been a puzzle in my mind. Still admiring the watch, I unexpectedly wondered about something. I suddenly missed the first watch I had. I can’t recall whatever happened to my astroboy watch. It’s been 20 years now since I had my first watch, the first gift that made a big impact in my life. It felt great turning 27 years old today. I marveled, is it because of this new watch?
I’m celebrating with my close friends right now, the second family I have come to gain. Very pleased to be with them and celebrate this birthday. I have come to love them like I would my brothers and sisters. We’ve been friends for more than a decade already. They’ve been a great support for all the awful things that I have been through. They always did make my birthdays worthwhile. But it seems this birthday is much different than the previous ones. The nostalgia of missing my mother is more immense on this birthday. Not that I’m avoiding it, but I am actually happy to feel this way. It’s been a long time already since I’ve felt melancholic of the loss. I have moved on and because of the pain from losing her, it made me a stronger person. Her death gave me a lot of realizations in my life. How it made me become a better person. To deal with the pain of the loss, but at the same time keeping the promise that I have made. It was the most sorrowful and greatest lesson in my life, but most especially it has taught me to become a survivor…
My career is starting to rocket up. I am working as a professional consultant now. This job and the corporate world have given me a lot of learning and have improved my life immensely. I’ve worked with a couple of companies since my graduation, four companies to be exact. Each giving me the knowledge I have to gain and teaching me the skills that I need. Job experiences that are preparing me for something better. Molding me to attain the position that I desire and working hard to attain. Though it may seem that my stint in every company is moot, I never burnt any bridge with my employers. In fact I was able to establish a good relationship with them until now. Well with my previous bosses and colleagues anyway. I know someday I will be able to work with these magnificent people again someday. Or probably become my business partners in the future. Things have been great for me and I am blessed with every job I take. I am gaining a lot and it has been a great support for the lifestyle that I am living now. Though it does feel somehow that I cannot afford myself anymore, well it happens sometimes… Anyhow, I could get by every time a new day comes. I could even help a loved one in dire strait. I would like to believe that I have been successful in this early age. There may be times when I question if this is what I really want to do in life, or if this is going to be the fate that I am bound to take for the rest of my life. But then again, I have grown to love my job and realize how it is helping me a lot. Not only with the status of my life right now but my being as a whole. Need less to say, I have learned to balance my life. I am able to constantly improve my skills for my job and still explore my artistic side. Even with a hectic schedule, I am able now to continue my painting and writing which I’ve always loved to do… These successes made me realize that I am of value to this world. But I have always been wondering if the person I offer all of this to is smiling out there, and happy where I am right now…
I am sure she is…
Wherever you are Nanay, The dreams realized in this life I have determined to live, the glory is yours as much as with mine, for without the Love and guidance that you have given me, I would have never grasped the beauty of “life,” this gift that I will treasure until the time that God decides to take it back and be with you again…
Dedicated to:
Lolita U. Encarnacion
November 11, 1949 – December 24, 1994
